I think for many this was a great encouragement to live with vision and purpose. To pursue with great fervor ones passions knowing that God is fully behind you. Yet for me it fed a great fear.
I had no great vision, no grand passion or skill set. No idea on which way to go. So when the whole of contemporary Christianity cried ‘Run with Purpose!’ I cried ‘Where?’ In the end fear not passion drove me forward. Fear of missing out, fear of wasting time, fear of disappointing, fear of failure.
I did many things trying to find that one passion. One year of grad school two years of Peace Corps, a year of delivering auto parts, 5 months of internship in Africa. All seemingly noble things (with the possible exception of delivering auto parts) yet in every single one I felt trapped. I was afraid that particular venture wasn’t my purpose and I was wasting my time, looking for an excuses to get out and try something else. I have been frantic looking for that purpose and passion ever since graduating college and it has taken a toll.
I don’t think I ever realized how frantic I was until I got married. Just over a year ago I committed my life to an amazing woman. Best decision, after choosing Christ, I have ever made. But the gravity of that commitment, the burden of providing and keeping a steady job has made me realize just how much my purpose driven discouragement had taken hold. I could no longer tease myself with the idea that I could take off one day and go some far-away place on a whim. That thought always gave me hope. Because of course if you are doing something in Africa your life must have purpose…right?
So I find myself working at a job that takes the majority of my time hardly making enough money to pay our rent and bills. The few hours I have on the weekend to myself I frantically try to find the purpose and passion that I was made for. Before I know it the weekend is over with nothing accomplished and I am left wondering what I have missed out on, what I have wasted, and who I have disappointed.
Again I don’t know if others relate to this. Maybe you found your purpose, maybe you have a job you are passionate about and pays the bills, or better yet you have learned how to ‘be content in all circumstances.’
If you have thoughts or comments you think may be helpful I am eager to hear them.
As I learn about myself and this journey I hope to share my experiences on this blog.